Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Why I started to blog..

I felt like today was a good day to share with you all why I started to blog.

Fiance and I have been engaged 7 months already. I knew a lot about what I wanted in a wedding and what I knew I would dread. Of course Mom's are an obstacle. I love my mom, but she is a strong headed person and mom's know best right? It's just a difficult course when you have your own vision and she has a different one. One thing I have learned from her is to be adamant about what I want. (Sorry mom!) I think I really have been. I do my own research about every little detail. I'm ahead of the ball game in most respects and that puts my mind at ease.

I love to plan and am a planner. The internet is invaluable as a bride and I do so much research and send simple emails to get the ball rolling for most everything involved in the wedding planning process and that's why I think I have had so much accomplished so quickly.

But the stress that comes with planning a wedding is unlike anything I have ever experienced. There are SO many little details that no one thinks about. How many rooms do you block? Where is the caterer going to enter and leave the venue? Where will the band take a break? When is the photographer going to get a picture of the reception venue? When do I need to book hotel rooms? HOW MUCH DOES IT COST?

Sigh. I'm trying my hardest to even help out without telling anyone because I want to be responsible and not put all this on my parents. I'm probably the least selfish person I know, so I really want to do what I can without asking anyone for help. I'm independent and I like it, but when planning a wedding, I just want to break down and cry sometimes. It's hard to tell people what you need help with, but it's also extremely hard to ask.

I'm overwhelmed y'all. Last week I just came to this point where I felt like I couldn't do this anymore. I just want to give up. It's so dramatic and Fiance is stressed because I'm stressed. There are so many uncontrollable's that make me so nervous. I also feel like even though people ask how it's going, most people are just trying to be nice. I get that. It's not them, it's me getting married. It's hard to walk in someone else's shoes unless you've been there. But it's hard to be the one to make all the plans and reach out to other people when I'm doing all this work. It's when you need your friends, but I just feel distant.

I've cried. Numerous times, to numerous people. I have even decided that I want to change my honeymoon location because I'm just too overwhelmed with planning this perfect day. I get that it won't be perfect, you can't control perfect. But I started blogging because I need an outlet. I need somewhere to unplug and let these thoughts drain from my mind and onto paper, (so to speak), and I welcome the valuable lessons I'll learn from this experience.

Last week when Fiance and I were stressed, I mentioned that we should write our own vows. Not necessarily to read on the wedding day, but to pick up and read when we're feeling down, sad, stressed, frustrated, to remind ourselves what this whole experience is about. About the relationship between him and I and our future and our past. To remember the good and look forward to the best. That love is the most precious gift in the world.

I know it's silly, but I just want to have a physical reminder of why we are throwing this shindig.

This past weekend my mom was super amazing. I was so proud of her for being so nice and happy for me. She called me numerous times to check on me. She met me for lunch with a card and her pearl bracelet her mother gave her on her wedding day and reminded me that it's going to be a beautiful day! We opened my wedding shoes, put them on, unzipped my dress, and slipped it on. This is it y'all, I'm getting married. Thanks Mom for being there for me and being my friend and not my mom. It's invaluable.

So here we go, less than 9 months till the big day. I just hope there are less sad tears and more happy tears between here and there. Afterall, I get to walk away on November 10th with a husband and the best friend I will ever know, and there is nothing more exciting than that!

All I can say, is thank you for letting me get all of this off my chest and following my journey. Thank you for the help and understanding, and a special thanks to my mom, whom I've fought with, but I know she'll be my best supporter in the end. I love you.


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